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Saturday, January 26, 2008

As we begin to adjust....

Week Three- wow- three weeks have gone by since our arrival here in Texas- time does keep going reguardless of your like or dislike of being some place. Sometimes I do wish I could freeze time for a while so I can linger in my feels, thoughts and life.

This week we schooled as usual, we had some late days do to the fact that if you do anything here, it is almost an all day task. Something I was so willing to forget about Texas. Everything is far, at least a 30 minute drive to anything you want to do. Walmart,Library,anything...

We found a very small, but wonderful homeschooling, support group to be involved with. It is lead by this wonderful Lady, named Bambi. She is the one who invited me to the women's bible Study. (which I love and look forward to each week!) It is just a group that gathers together for field trips, and gym days. Which is perfect for me. I do not want and over involved group!!

As I go through my bible study- this week we are working on Psalm 123(if you want to go with through it with me) It was such a reminder for me of where my eyes need to be. Towards the King of HIM. I long to gaze up and see His face and put my hand in HIS! At this time I need him to guide me, to hold my hand, to reassure me that all is well, and will be well! I love you Lord-
I lift my eyes unto the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, maker of Heave and EARTH!!

Has HE helped you, guided you, lifted you up lately? If so I would be so encouraged to hear!

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

As the deer panteth for the water...

so my soul longest after thee!

I have come to the realization that my soul has longed for the presence of the Lord. For the Holy Spirit. It has been along time since I have felt His presence. HE was not with us in Missouri. Maria said it perfectly- I know he heard my prayers, but I did not feel him. NOw I feel him and know He hears my prayers. (makes sense?)

When was the last time you felt the presence of the Lord? Do you go to church but feel like you have not gone to church? Your soul is longing for a revival- for you to revive your relationship with the Lord. Lift your hands up towards heaven and JUST PRAISE HIM. Praising the Lord is the key to your soul!

Dear heavenly Father- My soul needs a revival- our family needs a revival- so we will lift our hands in praise and prayer seeking your face in all things! Send your Holy Spirit down! We are anxiously awaiting your presence.
In Jesus Name- I pray AMEN

Dear sisters out there - please join us in this prayer for our family as well as for yourselves.
I look forward to hearing from each of you...

Friday, January 18, 2008

where the Lord leads I will follow....

the week went a bit faster- with schooling, grading, and trying to adjust to Texas- the week has gone faster. Not because the hurt has gone away but because I have had to draw closer to the Lord. Seek His face in all things. My prayer is that He will show me why? That He will guide us through- Samuel has been so consumed by work that bible time is so few and far in between. Keeping His family fed I guess is his only priority right now. He has started praying over me, not with me, but over me as I sleep before he leaves for work. I am in half conscious state when he does it. I hear some of his words, not all of them though.

I started a bible study this week with a wonderful group of Ladies- I am very excited about it. I am looking forward to seeing the work that the Lord will do in me and in my life.

We started with the Psalm 120- the first psalm in our piligrimage- to ascend closer to the Lord.
I am on a piligrimage through life at this moment- I need to reach further, stretch hard to see the top- to see Christ!

At the end of my time with the Lord in the study- I was to write my own "psalm 120" per say- Here is mine:

In my heartache I cry out to you my God and You heard me
Show me the way-Oh Lord, to deal with the tongues and lies of those around me
How Shall I deal? What should I do? Or what will You do to protect me?
You are might and I know with one swift motion you can freeze their words.
Woe is me- That I am here in this place AGAIN around these people-WHY?
I have been here with them who do not love unconditionally, who hate peace.
I seek to love them Lord, I seek peace but when I speak they attack.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Can not seem to get it together...

It just seems to be so hard to get a routine down and get things the way they should be.
The children and I spent time in the word. It was so needed- and it was a wonderful time of prayer, and fellowship with the children.
I often wonder if Sam ever feels pulled to read with us at night. Of course I do not want to "nag" him nor do I think it is in my job to "remind" him. I just have to do what is best to be fed myself. It helps me to spend time with the Lord with the children. I get more out of it then if I did it alone.

We discussed responsibilities- responsibilities that each of my youngmen will have to their wives- they will be responsible for washing her in the word, and making sure their children have a foundation in Christ. None of that happens on its own. You can not "trust" the church to do it, as leaders of the home the responsibility is theirs. They fail their wives, their families if they do not do family devotions,prayer time or wash their wives in the word of God. You can not let the busyness of life over take you to a point where you slack on that responsibility. Because when you do- the family suffers, your wife will suffer. I pray for them- I pray that the Lord will embed in them a desire for the word, and to wash their families in the word. I pray for them to have a foundation that is stronger then my own. I pray that they will have more of a realization how lost their lives are without Christ.

We also discussed things they are looking for in a wife and for Maria a husband. I had them write down those things, so they can be reminded to pray for them.

May the Lord hear their prayers...

Monday, January 7, 2008

a whole week tomorrow...

To think tomorrow we will be here a whole week which seems like an eternity. It does not seem like I just arrived here. I look around with disgust at the fact that I am here- not only do I think WHY... but I think HOW- how did I get here. I am trying not to "blame" Sam. Trying so hard to think of all the things I love about him. The way he tries to provide, but of course I have those "voices" in the back of my mind that say things, like he does not do ALL he could. He does not take on "two" jobs if need be. He does not, does not, does not.....
Then I think and reflect on to myself- I think of the things I should be doing, what I could be doing- How I could be working or should be working.

Of course then the thoughts of convictions come on me as well- the fact that I have discernment to be here with my children, to care for my family, my husband, and how can I do that- and be in this place- be in this situation. Where I have to "depend" on people who are so UNDEPENDABLE-
I just want to scream- scream at the fact that I know I should be on my knees praying- even though I feel lost and unsure how- as much as I desire for my husband to get on his hands and knees with me, to take the lead in prayer, reading and time with God- He does not-
But where do I fail- where do I not do what I am suppose to as a wife.. where do I .... show me Lord- Help me because I feel like I am dying inside- I feel like I have NO ONE and nothing- I feel like Sam does not even understand me! As gracious as I am trying to be- I feel like I am just wondering in this place- a lost soul who has lost its body.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

The week...

we arrived here very late in Texas. I spent the next two days unpacking our things, as I packed Samuel's sisters things. It has been a hard week of lifting, moving, and unpacking all alone. The thoughts that ran through my head- was what am I doing here. Why would I come to this place to deal with life alone? To not have a family member be an every day part of my life. Who truly cared about the children and their lives. To come to a place where everyone is so self center- whose lives are focused only on themselves. NOt blessing, not caring, just having the family on holidays.

In life I never imagined that I would be spending my life alone- not alone per say without my children, and husband. I mean alone with out my family.(brother and sister, mom, dad)
I always thought that I was going to spend all my special and most important moments in life with all of them. I realize that is a fairy tale now. I realize that nothing in life is the way you "want" or "think" it should be.

I just hope that it won't always be this way- that I will have my children when they get older. That they will not do to me what I did to my mom- I could not live a life without them in it and my grandchildren.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Back in time....

Here I am sitting in Texas- with the same hurt, same pain I felt more then 4 years ago when we moved here from Virginia. When we arrived here- the spirit was different. Sam's sister was so rude,cold, and unwelcoming that it bothered me and Maria. Maria was suppose to sleep in the bedroom with her Aunt but did not feel comfortable doing that so she is now in the room Sam and I are staying in.

We arrive here in the big state of Texas at 9 something at night. The only thing we were able to do was get the suitecases from the back of the truck and at least pull my bed out so I could sleep on it tonight. By the time all was said and done it was after 12am January 2nd. Thinking that my husband would be around to help me unload the truck and other vehicles in the morning I was not worried. Much to my suprise that did not happen. He actually did not plan to stay around- He was going to work. So not only did I have the priviledge of packing everything now in a home that is not truly mine- I have the priviledge of unpacking too- AND- to top my whole emotional time travel back in time--- the house he was suppose to have ready for our things(stuff in storage and things) I walk in to all this stuff in the dining room. Which is the very place I need the most for schooling.

I am trying so hard Lord not to allow this to affect my heart! Like so many times in our marriage when it comes to his family- my expectations of Sam- become my disappointment and heartache. Making this move even harder on me because I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE. I want to shout from the roof top! I HATE HOUSTON! I HATE HOUSTON and yet here I sit in the very place I hate!! IN the same room I was in 4-5 years ago- someone pinch because I am in my old emotional nightmatr- the year we moved here(was out 10th year in marriage) and it was the worst year of my marriage!!! The WORST- OH LORD I never thought I would be back here. What is it that you want me to learn. Tell me what have I done to be back in this very spot!!

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