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Monday, January 7, 2008

a whole week tomorrow...

To think tomorrow we will be here a whole week which seems like an eternity. It does not seem like I just arrived here. I look around with disgust at the fact that I am here- not only do I think WHY... but I think HOW- how did I get here. I am trying not to "blame" Sam. Trying so hard to think of all the things I love about him. The way he tries to provide, but of course I have those "voices" in the back of my mind that say things, like he does not do ALL he could. He does not take on "two" jobs if need be. He does not, does not, does not.....
Then I think and reflect on to myself- I think of the things I should be doing, what I could be doing- How I could be working or should be working.

Of course then the thoughts of convictions come on me as well- the fact that I have discernment to be here with my children, to care for my family, my husband, and how can I do that- and be in this place- be in this situation. Where I have to "depend" on people who are so UNDEPENDABLE-
I just want to scream- scream at the fact that I know I should be on my knees praying- even though I feel lost and unsure how- as much as I desire for my husband to get on his hands and knees with me, to take the lead in prayer, reading and time with God- He does not-
But where do I fail- where do I not do what I am suppose to as a wife.. where do I .... show me Lord- Help me because I feel like I am dying inside- I feel like I have NO ONE and nothing- I feel like Sam does not even understand me! As gracious as I am trying to be- I feel like I am just wondering in this place- a lost soul who has lost its body.

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