another month…

Another month has come and gone.. and I am typing this truly broken inside… why because it is another reminder that I will not be holding a little one in my arms any time soon.  The reality of that hits me about the same time every month- most months, I handle it with grace, just placing my hope on next month, but not today.

I have come to this realization- that we humans fool ourselves in believing we can make things happen and truly God is in control. I was fooling myself in thinking that if I kept track of everything, right times, dates, etc. I could make it happen. But I am the one wearing the Dunce hat now..

How prideful am I to think that I could “make” anything happen? Or that I have control over any area of my life including bringing a child into this world?

Am I any different from Eve- who thought if she ate of the tree that she would be Like/as God? No.. because I honestly thought that if I did certain things I would get pregnant.

I am exposing myself to all of you- and sharing with you the deepest darkest innermost gaping hole I have in my heart… I know Christ is the healer of all things. I know He gives and He takes away.. but alot of what is taken is based on our own decisions, right?

Am I reaping consequences from my decisions I made long ago? Am I “suffering” of the wrong that I did??

Maybe or maybe not. Maybe, it is another thing I must completely and utterly surrender to HIM.

So Lord I surrender all to you