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Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Gloomy days

It's funny how the sun effects our moods and dispositions. Lately it has been pretty gloomy around here, lots of clouds, cool days and color changes. What is it that I have to be gloomy about? I have my health and my children are healthy. I have freedoms many do not have in other countries and my husband has blessed me with allowing me to stay home and homeschool my children. The enemy has been on full force attack in our family since arriving here in Pa. 

I have slowly watched my family go from being united as one to divided, some not speaking to us at all, and others speaking to us but not having anything to do with church or fellowship. It makes you wonder how? And why? Could there been something we could have done to prevent it from happening? Then I ,of course, think about what I have done wrong or what I could have done better. I fear doing it again. I feel so incapable of raising two more kids. Of failing as I have already. My heart could not take another heart break as I have experienced with Paul and even the heart ache I have experienced with Joseph. The changes with the other children, The uncertainty of where I stand and what my role is. I often  think Lord is this a joke? You had me give all of me to these children, take care of them for 18 years for them to just disappear from our lives. So what  now? Lord give me strength to deal with the changes and strength to do what you have called me to do. 

Angie 

Saturday, September 26, 2015

just my day

After a long day enjoying my children, soccer and Hershey park. As I showered and cleaned my thoughts randomly land on Paul. His wedding and his brother Joey. I do struggle with understanding Joeys support of his brother. I struggle knowing the dishonor he has bestowed up me and upon my husband and our family, how he can support his ungodliness.

Traditionally at a wedding there is a mother son  dance and I wonder what will my son do since he has chosen he does not want us there. Will he really dishonor me so much by dancing with someone else who did not give birth to him. I ask myself that question as if I do not know the answer to that question. He has dishonor we us in every other aspect of this wedding  so he will dishonor me again. But I struggle with understanding how Joey can stand in support of that. It is like a stab to my heart from both of them. It makes me angry and honestly it makes me not want to have anything to do with Joey as well.

As I think on Joey I could write a book about how it seems like he went to Texas to escape us, Christ and the standard we believed they should live by.

Thoughts

After a long day enjoying my children, soccer and Hershey park. As I showered and cleaned my thoughts randomly land on Paul. His wedding and his brother Joey. I do struggle with understanding Joeys support of his brother. I struggle knowing the dishonor he has bestowed up me and upon my husband and our family, how he can support his ungodliness.

Traditionally at a wedding there is a mother son  dance and I wonder what will my son do since he has chosen he does not want us there. Will he really dishonor me so much by dancing with someone else who did not give birth to him. I ask myself that question as if I do not know the answer to that question. He has dishonor we us in every other aspect of this wedding  so he will dishonor me again. But I struggle with understanding how Joey can stand in support of that. It is like a stab to my heart from both of them. It makes me angry and honestly it makes me not want to have anything to do with Joey as well. 

As I think on Joey I could write a book about how it seems like he went to Texas to escape us, Christ and the standard we believed they should live by. 

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Sitting here...

As I sit outside on the porch, in the evening hours. I am listening to Babygirl and Duckie play as they lay on a blanket in the yard. In the distance someone is hammering, another person is using a weedeater, birds are singing and there is peace here with me.

Though I will share the enemy is present waiting to steal my joy, waiting to bombard my thoughts with the pain I have experienced for the past two years. It never seems to go away, it always seems to be like a lion waiting to engulf me, my thoughts and my moments of joy. To keep myself from getting overwhelmed, from wondering, why? Wondering, how?  could I have done things differently? Wondering why am I being punished for loving too much, and trying to be a good parent?

I pull myself back- I listen to the peace that surrounds me. These two sweet souls that laugh with innocence, and I am thankful.

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Thankful that the Lord deemed me Worthy enough to give me two more children. In spite of myself, my flaws and imperfections.

Everything else- the pain- well are you really worthy it?

 

Thank you Lord!

Angie

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Day two

still trying to get the routine established



But I am so grateful I have this privilege to disciple these two and guide these two in their education.

Thank you Lord

Angie

 

 

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