Friday, October 30, 2015

Fairy tale lives...

When you are small you pray and hope to have a life full of much love and happiness. Especially with the past I had you hope to have many more days filled with so much happiness to wipe out the pain of the past. You never think in some ways you would relive ( not exactly) the pain of the past. I find myself right back to those of past. Facing the sins of father head on and all the pain that goes with the pain that comes with sexual sin. No the sins that were committed did not affect me directly because the sins were not done to me but the thought of how it has effected my children and myself causes me so much pain. My thoughts to spiral on what could I have done differently and how much I failed. 

Now it is affecting every area of my life, my marriage and me. The anger, disgust and lack of love many people will not understand coming from a mother especially coming from a woman who declares herself a lover of Christ. In all of this I see that there is still much work to do and Lord I know I can't change those around me but I know I can change me for your Glory. I don't care if anyone understands including my husband. He has never been hurt as I have and does not understand the pain of being used as a sexual tool. Then to have men  that surround me who are so selfish they bring that into my life and my home... I can't bare it any more. I have tried to act right and be whom I thought I  needed to be but in the end I have failed in that as well. I am not a good enough wife, mother or friend  By you mercy and Grace- Lord give me strength for the trial you have decided to place me under. 

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

My prayer in song...

1 May the mind of Christ, my Savior,
live in me from day to day,
by his love and power controlling
all I do and say.

2 May the word of God dwell richly
in my heart from hour to hour,
so that all may see I triumph
only through his power.

3 May the peace of God, my Father,
rule my life in everything,
that I may be calm to comfort
sick and sorrowing.

4 May the love of Jesus fill me
as the waters fill the sea.
Him exalting, self abasing:
this is victory.

5 May His beauty rest upon me 

as I seek the lost to win

and may they forget the channel

seeing only HIM

Monday, October 5, 2015

pain... disappointment..

I have had my share of pain these past two years. Mostly from one person, but there has been others. Serving Christ comes with many sacrifices. Your reputation, your character, your family, your every action is  put under a microscope. People forget that you are no different than they are, just desiring to serve Christ in every way.

When you are hurt it makes you wonder what it is all for?! If you are a "true" servant of God. His Word echos in your head of how He suffered.  His character was constantly judged, he was mocked, and crucified. Who are we to think our fate is any different? It doesn't make the pain any less, it doesn't even make the pain go away. But it does give you comfort in knowing that No matter what you face the Lord has experienced it and knows.

Now I am in a different phase one of restoration, self examination, and certainly I desire to do it better than I have done before. I know I can't without HIM... I can't be who I need to be without Christ. Without a local body, and without fellowship. I am cautious, not wanting to be hurt. I desire to serve Christ but I do not desire to be hurt as I have been. I find myself wanting to protect myself. I wonder how Christ did it... and how he knew what would happen and not want to protect himself or even try to avoid it.

He truly is amazing where I am not!



This weekend was crazy. Baby girl  turned 4 on Friday Oct 2nd so we ( Duck and I) spent the day on trying to make her feel like a princess

and special since everyone was working. Papa is not around because of work, and Sis just had baby.

Around 12- Big brother took her to lunch

Grandma stopped buy with her big present

 And Big Sis and her family came over for a birthday dinner celebration. Chicken nuggets and Mac and cheese was the menu and ice cream cake to celebrate.

In spite of how I thought the day was going to turn out for her,she  had a great day .

Saturday was her big party at Chuck E Cheese. What a day it was!

We finished the weekend with breakfast as a family with daddy

 All in all the weekend was so full of celebrating the life God gave us! Thank you Lord for your blessings that overflows


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