Friday, October 30, 2015

Fairy tale lives...

When you are small you pray and hope to have a life full of much love and happiness. Especially with the past I had you hope to have many more days filled with so much happiness to wipe out the pain of the past. You never think in some ways you would relive ( not exactly) the pain of the past. I find myself right back to those of past. Facing the sins of father head on and all the pain that goes with the pain that comes with sexual sin. No the sins that were committed did not affect me directly because the sins were not done to me but the thought of how it has effected my children and myself causes me so much pain. My thoughts to spiral on what could I have done differently and how much I failed. 

Now it is affecting every area of my life, my marriage and me. The anger, disgust and lack of love many people will not understand coming from a mother especially coming from a woman who declares herself a lover of Christ. In all of this I see that there is still much work to do and Lord I know I can't change those around me but I know I can change me for your Glory. I don't care if anyone understands including my husband. He has never been hurt as I have and does not understand the pain of being used as a sexual tool. Then to have men  that surround me who are so selfish they bring that into my life and my home... I can't bare it any more. I have tried to act right and be whom I thought I  needed to be but in the end I have failed in that as well. I am not a good enough wife, mother or friend  By you mercy and Grace- Lord give me strength for the trial you have decided to place me under. 

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