Thursday, July 30, 2009

Tell me about it Thursday #2

One Day at A Time


"An event in your life that changed your life forever"

There are so many things that I can think of that has changed my life forever. Things I did, and choices others have made that affected my life but this one still affects me.

The event I think I will talk about I am hoping will help or prevent another from making the same mistake I made.

Let’s give you some history: I had all my children so very young, starting at the age of 19 years old, 20 years old, 22 years old,24 years old, and 25 years old… boom boom boom-before I knew it I had 5 beautiful children. Being a young mom- I came to Christ at age 21- though I gave my heart to him, I had NO IDEA, how to live my life for Him or how to give my life to Him. So like many young converts I flailed in the waters searching for the narrow path. Un-discipled, unguided, relying on my own understanding( oh boy was that trouble) and falling in all the pitfalls that was placed before me along the way.

After our last baby- my beloved decided he was absolutely done having children. (We both lacked the understanding that we were not the ones who provide but it is the L-rd who provides through us.) So-fear gripped his heart and he was DONE. 

“NO more”, he said.

My heart was not joined with his. I struggled with the thoughts of saying I was absolutely done forever. I was not comfortable with the thought of closing my womb forever,but in concordance with the desires of my husband’s heart I agreed to have my tubes tied to prevent more life from coming from me. (MY LIFE CHANGING EVENT)

Years past(10 to be exact) you do become complacent and satisfied. I was raising my children just like every other family. The battle of the world at my feet always. Their one foot in church and the other in the world.

“HEY isn’t that how it is suppose to be”at least I had peace while they were at school. I had time to do whatever I wanted all day. The L-rd had another plan for us, for our family. The ordinary is not what he wanted for our family.

The L-rd began to tug on my heart and spirit showing me that there was another way to give my family the foundation in HIM, I wanted them to have.  At the time- I was introduced to an incredible woman-Celina. She was a homeschooling mother and I could see Christ manifesting from everything she did. Of course, I wanted a piece of that,so we began our homeschooling  journey.

It was not long after the homeschooling  journey began did the L-rd grieve my heart over the decision I made years ago. The thought of what it would be like to bring children up totally dependent on the Lord, without some of the corruptions my children experienced, brought me to a point of complete repentance for NOT relying on Him in the first place.

I knew that the L-rd would have to bring my beloved to this place as well before anything could be done to rectify my sin. At the same time- the L-rd had been speaking to my beloved. One evening he came to me in great mourning, and repentance, knowing he had to right the wrong he convinced me to do,so we both searched for a way to right my body and give it back to the  L-rd.

We found a reversal ministry, similar to  The Lord’s Heritage, we applied for assistance and were accepted. We did the waiting game like everyone else on the list and finally in 2005 I was able to have my surgery. 

In Nov of 2006- the L-rd blessed our lives with Noah. He is a joy and a comfort to us all. We have been given another chance to do the L-rd’s will in our lives.

My heart still yearns for more and I often think, how many would I have if I had not taken matters into my own hands?! I still feel like I am missing ones… I often find myself counting 1,2,3,4,5,6 hmm everyone is here but why do I feel there are some missing?!

I know the L-rd has forgiven me for not relying on Him completely, but can I forgive myself because that “mistake” has left a hole in my heart, and aching in my arms that has changed my life forever.



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